Can't We All Just Get Along? Keeping Your Cool in a Conflict

In their efforts to “win” and be “right,” people often let disagreement escalate into a futile and frustrating struggle for power. But conflict doesn’t have to be adversarial. When handled carefully, a conflict can defuse hostility, generate alliances, and stimulate creative solutions. In the case of confronting an issue that has been ignored or avoided, conflict can be especially liberating. And the basic tools of conflict resolution can be learned and practiced by anyone.

Because conflict is an inevitable part of life, it makes sense to learn some simple conflict resolution strategies. Below, I’ve presented my take on the National Multicultural Institute’s nine-step model for conflict resolution to help get you started.

First, take a moment to reflect on a stressful conflict from your recent past. Then as you review the following guidelines, mentally compare each suggestion to what actually happened in your conflict. Imagine how things might have gone differently and pinpoint your particular strengths and weaknesses. Finally, consider how you might adapt your approach to improve the outcome of future conflicts.

1. Listen with respect and openness. Before you even begin a discussion, calm yourself and step back from your emotions. Try not to take the situation personally, even if you feel defensive or under attack. Let go of grudges and preconceptions so that you enter the conversation with an open mind. Imagine that you are hearing everything for the first time.



2. Look at the situation from the other person’s perspective. It’s easy to get trapped in tunnel vision, in which we convince ourselves that our way is the only way. Especially if the conflict surrounds a longstanding problem, it’s difficult to see things as the other person might see them. But it is crucial to set your pride aside and really listen. Avoid assumptions and ask questions if you don’t understand. Verbally summarize what you heard them say and ask for confirmation or clarification.



3. Let the other person hear an explanation of your perspective. Explain your viewpoint clearly and patiently. Make sure to separate the person from the problem. In other words, focus on behaviors or situations that you want to change rather than personal traits. If you remain calm, use “I” statements and non-judgmental language, and stick to the facts during this step, then you increase the likelihood that the other person will listen.



4. Recognize similarities and differences. Part of this involves defining the problem to ensure that you are talking about the same issue. Too often, people skip this step and simply assume that their respective complaints or goals are mutual. But it’s necessary to state the problem explicitly to avoid circling and frustration. Once you establish that you’re talking about the same problem, there are always at least one or two points on which you already see things similarly. If you can’t find any common ground, you might need to return to step one. As you identify differences, be careful not to use an accusatory or judgmental tone of voice.



5. Acknowledge any cultural differences. Sometimes gender, race, religion, and other aspects of cultural identity and values remain an unspoken but powerful factor in a conflict. It’s not always easy to bring these into the open, but open acknowledgment of cultural differences can help define the relevant issues and sort out underlying unconscious motivations.



6. Look for common ground. Find something—anything—to agree on, even if it’s just being able to name a common goal. Remind yourself that everyone will benefit if you can see this as a cooperative process.



7. Recommend action. Be creative. Brainstorm as many possibilities as you can without worrying about how to achieve them. Even outlandish ideas might inspire other, more viable ones.



8. Determine what adaptations each person is willing to make to find a satisfactory alternative. Where can you be flexible? What are your priorities and needs? See if you can sacrifice a little to accomplish your broader objectives. This is when keeping the “big picture” in mind matters most.



9. Negotiate an agreement. Be realistic. You may decide you need to meet again for further discussion. You may have to check with other stakeholders to get their approval for your solutions. Or in some cases, you may just have to agree to disagree. If you find yourself stuck, consider hiring a professional mediator.

In the heat of the moment, it sometimes feels more important to be right than to maintain a respectful, win-win attitude. But if you approach your conflict with goodwill, calm, and trust in the collaborative process, you’ll find that even monumental conflicts can be overcome.

In most cases, conflict is about more than one issue; it’s about a relationship. Recognize that with a little give and take, the conflict resolution process has the potential to strengthen your rapport with others. And each successful resolution will give you the confidence and abilities to negotiate future encounters with ease.

To learn more about win-win conflict resolution, I highly recommend that you read Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In.
This book explains how to see situations from other perspectives, how to maintain goodwill as you negotiate, and the finer points of getting your needs met without competition and hostility. You can read excerpts from the book or purchase it at Amazon.com.



---
Sources: National Multicultural Institute (NMCI), Nine-Step Model for Conflict Resolution; The Media Trust, Conflict resolution: Detailed facts and guidelines.

Awaken to Life with a Daily Ritual

While a fast-paced routine and high expectations are not inherently bad, the full-throttle way of life can spiral into counterproductive patterns of worry, overcommitment, and perfectionism. If your current lifestyle depletes rather than feeds your happiness, a daily ritual might restore your sense of balance and personal power.

Each morning, I awaken myself literally and metaphorically with a ritual. Otherwise, auto-pilot thrusts me into a rush of work, errands, and agitation that I find unsatisfying. To give you a sense of what I mean by a “ritual,” here’s an example of how my morning ritual brings me to life:

The alarm clock siren startles me into consciousness. I envision leaving the haven of my warm blankets for the obligations that await me. I fight the temptation to stay in bed, and ultimately my dog licks my face and scampers across my body enough times to overrule my urge to linger. Finally, with a determined heave, I put both feet on the floor. It’s a new day, for what it’s worth.

I put on my workout clothes and wash my face so there’s no excuse not to walk out my front door, no temptation to eat breakfast or check email (there’s time for that later). As I grab my dog Luna’s leash and we head out the front door, my eyes adjust to the half-dark of dawn. The possibilities of the day take shape alongside the shadowy forms of oak trees and mailboxes that line the street.

At first, I run at a slow pace. I focus internally to remind my muscles to relax into the natural rhythm of my pace and monitor the gradual rise in my heart rate. I rotate my focus between breathing, relaxation, and posture. After a few minutes this becomes more effortless, and I transfer my attention to my surroundings. I hear the steady sounds of my footfalls on the sidewalk as I watch the clouds evolve through the color spectrum of sunrise.

As my body warms, the natural setting and rhythmic motions open up a sacred space in which I appreciate my body’s limits, capabilities, and presence in the environment. It’s a transition from rest to action that establishes my physical and spiritual aliveness. As I enjoy the changing light of dawn, I consider all the blessings in my life. I finish my run with a sense of accomplishment, gratitude, and hope, just as the sun’s full brilliance shines above the horizon.

After a cool-down and a good stretch, I savor a homemade carrot muffin with orange juice and coffee. I visualize how I will soak up every sight, sound, and texture that I can today. I might admire two cardinals as they take flight from the branches of an azalea bush or exchange a smile with a stranger. Like the nourishing flavors of my breakfast, these small pleasures are the fuel that I need to appreciate the wonders of being alive and to make the most of the day.

Whether you begin or end your day with a meaningful ritual, try not to rush the process or consider it an obligation. If you are strict or critical of yourself when you skip a day or if you imagine that you’re “not doing it right,” then you’re missing the point.

Instead, see your ritual’s potential to focus your intention on a positive feeling or attitude that you’d like to cultivate. You may choose to meditate each morning to expand your capacity for joy or gratitude, or to establish a nighttime ritual to relieve the tension that accumulates throughout the day and prepare for a restful night’s sleep.

Each day offers a smorgasbord of sensation and possibility that will never present itself in the same way again. There are lessons to learn from the people and environments that we encounter, but we must join the world in order to derive meaning from it. We are responsible for drawing or creating beauty from the raw materials of “what is” and taking action to construct the forms of our lives. Use your ritual to help you make the most of this day. Use it to soothe, replenish, and expand your consciousness.

Living well now contributes to a better tomorrow. Rushing through life worrying about the future will not. So do yourself a favor. Wake up. Eat a muffin. And get out there and live.

---
My morning ritual would not be possible without the ChiRunning technique, which made it possible for me to run without knee pain. Using a combination of breathing, posture, and awareness, ChiRunning transformed my daily walk into a running ritual that relaxes and energizes me. Find it at your local library or read excerpts and buy it at Amazom.com:

A Declaration of Dignity for Mental Illness

I am not ashamed to admit that I suffer from depression. Sometimes this disclosure surprises my neighbors, friends, and counseling clients. They’re accustomed to hearing someone mention that they had the flu, skin cancer, or diabetes… but it’s rare to hear someone talk about agoraphobia or their latest depressive episode while chatting it up at the office water cooler. Talking about mental health problems is taboo, and stigma fuels the tendency to keep our mouths shut about our private struggles.

Silence won’t make these conditions go away. The challenges of mental health and illness affect us all, and talking about them can only dispel the myths and misinformation that surrounds them. I’m not alone in my history of depression. I can easily think of a dozen family members and friends who have been diagnosed with mental health conditions, including post-traumatic stress disorder, cocaine addiction, schizophrenia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder. No one is immune.

People with mental illness are people in my life, people that I love. They aren’t lunatics, and they aren’t dangerous. They’re just like you and me, and they—we—deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.

Public Stigma, Private Pain

Imagine for a moment that an acquaintance tells you that she has a mental illness such as depression, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia. How might you respond? Would you feel uncomfortable? Would you perceive her differently than you did before? Perhaps your reaction would vary according to which disorder she has or how well you know her. Regardless of the particulars, studies demonstrate that most of us will react with fear, distancing, and rejection.

Stigma is another name for the negative stereotypes our culture attaches to a characteristic or behavior. Usually based on a combination of fear and false beliefs, stigma leads to judgment and discrimination. In the case of mental illness, these fears are rooted in unfounded beliefs that characterize people with mental illness as weak, bizarre, shameful, or violent.

Because our culture lacks understanding of mental disorders, these conditions remain shrouded in mystery and denial. The stigma of mental illness causes people to conceal their disorders. Fear of negative labels and disrespect leads them to hide the truth—sometimes even from themselves.

That fear of rejection discourages people in pain from seeking support. The majority (two thirds) of people with mental conditions don’t seek any treatment. Stigma is the number one factor that keeps people from getting the help they need for ailments that are generally treatable with medication and psychotherapy.

Awareness, Understanding, and Action

Next time you learn of someone’s mental health problems, be aware of your gut reaction. If you feel the urge to distance yourself, don’t beat yourself up about it. Nervousness and fear are normal responses to the unknown. But instead of succumbing to the urge to remove yourself from the situation, see if you can calm yourself and stay present. Instead of falling into old patterns of judgment or stereotyping, experiment with a new pattern of empathy.

Imagine what fears and challenges you might face in the other person’s position. If you are unaware of what their disorder is or worry that you’ll say the wrong thing, try asking questions to learn more about their condition and how it feels to live with it. After all, each year in the United States, approximately 45 million people (about 1 person in 4) experience a mental illness. That means that if you haven’t endured a mental illness yet, there's a good chance that you will.

Like physical disease and injury, some mental disorders have a biological basis while others are prompted by life circumstances and environment. It might help to view these seemingly foreign conditions as similar to bodily diseases. While they aren’t contagious, everyone is susceptible to them. And as we all learn more about prevention and treatment of mental health disorders, stigmatized perceptions of mental illness will emerge from the shadows of ignorance and fear.

We Are Not Our Illnesses

So far, the mental illness stigma remains strong. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. If you have a mental illness, don’t be afraid to seek help from friends, family, doctors, or therapists. Remember that you are more than your illness, and you can find ways to cope.

It is my hope that you will join me in speaking out about the stigma that distorts our views of people who have mental illnesses. We have the power to become more informed and tolerant. As we renounce labels and stereotyping, the mental illness stigma loses its power to shame and condemn people who are simply in pain. With knowledge comes the courage to speak openly and emphasize our common vulnerabilities over our differences. When that happens, we all live with greater dignity.

Learn More:
Ways to Cope with Stigma
Programs to Combat Stigma
Surgeon General's Report on Mental Health

Taste the Flavor of Life: Mindful Eating

When we eat mindfully, the same love of food that can lead to overeating becomes the key to eating less because we experience greater enjoyment and satiation. Eating becomes more than a habit or compulsion; we transform it into a form of nourishment and sustenance for body and soul.

Too often, eating is just one more mindless activity that I cram into a busy day. If I drive my car, flip through a magazine, or watch TV while I eat, I don’t pay attention to my food. Not only will that lead me to eat beyond the point of fullness, but it cheats me out of one of life’s most delicious pleasures.

This distracted way of life robs us of the flavor of our food and the flavor of life. But mindful eating can reawaken us to pleasure and joy. It is a simple process to learn, and it makes automatic and emotional eating a thing of the past.

Here are my 5 steps to mindful eating:

1. Tune in. Take a few deep breaths. Turn off your television or music so that it’s quiet. Ask yourself what prompted you to seek food. Are you hungry? Or are you eating out of habit, boredom, or to fill an emotional void?

2. Prepare with care. As you assemble the ingredients and begin to prepare your snack or meal, notice the colors, textures, and aromas of the food. Consider the natural and human effort that went into the food’s production. Arrange your food attractively on your plate. Light candles or use cloth napkins to make an everyday meal feel special.

3. Appreciate. Take a moment to recognize how fortunate you are to have food to eat when you are hungry. Give thanks for your body and its ability to turn nourishment into energy. Again, become aware of the pleasing aromas and appearance of your food. If you are eating with someone else, take a moment to really see them and appreciate their company.

4. Take it slow. Bring your attention to the moment. Take a small bite. Close your eyes. How does the food feel and taste when you first bite into it or place it in your mouth? What temperature is it? Do you sense salt, sweet, sour, or bitter most prominently? Chew slowly and savor the distinctive flavors. Between bites, set down your fork or spoon. If your attention wanders, bring it back to the process of eating slowly and mindfully.

5. Satiation. About halfway through your meal, evaluate your level of hunger. When you feel 2/3 of the way full, stop. Give your mind time to catch up to your body and receive the signal that you’ve had enough. Think about your mindful eating experience. If you had trouble staying present, that’s okay. You’ve already taken a step toward a more healthful and satisfying relationship with food.

It’s a terrible feeling to sit before an empty plate and have little recollection of the process—much less the enjoyment—of consuming its contents. When I find myself in this situation, I feel an unpleasant blend of guilt and regret that relates to my sense that I’m not giving my diet and body the care and attention they deserve.

Make this small change to take better care of your self. Mindfulness is a process that feels more natural with practice. You can begin with more awareness of your eating drives and habits, and then progress to a fuller appreciation of the sensual pleasures of eating. I hope you’ll experiment with mindful eating and let me know how it works for you.

-----
Thich Nhat Hanh offers a lovely way to share a mindful meal with your loved ones in Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life. Read excerpts or buy it on Amazon.com.

Becoming Buddha: Practice Makes Perfect

When I frown, complain, or otherwise lose touch with my positive side, my friends tease me about emotional awareness, the benefits of smiling, or one of my other upbeat article topics. I get their point; it’s funny to think that my writing could cause people to imagine me as a smiling, Buddha-like guru, the perfect model of mental health and enlightenment. And that image isn’t entirely false… I do smile a lot, and I believe in the benefits of mindfulness, awareness, and a positive attitude. But you know something that I don’t believe in? Perfection.

Do I sound a little defensive? I am. The truth is, while I claim that perfection is a myth, part of me still expects that I can and should be perfect. Yes, there is some degree of social expectation to be at our best all the time; I detect a touch of challenge in the good-natured ribbing of my friends. But the real challenge resides in my own mind, in the pressure that I place on myself.

Here’s how it looks for me when I’m not so self-aware: on a low energy day, I push myself and demand accomplishment. I keep a mental list of what I’ve done that day, which inevitably won’t measure up to my expectations. Or when a bad mood comes, I fight it and try to act as though everything is okay. Now, I know I’m not the only one who does this. Yet although these “downs” are normal parts of our energy and temperament cycles, we hide them away like shameful defects. Why the pressure to be— to appear—so perfect when we’re doing the best that we can?

Obstacles and uncertainty are a natural part of the self-improvement process. Being honest about our vulnerabilities deepens the value of this process by setting more realistic expectations and connecting us to one another. That’s why I include examples of my own experience in my writing. When we acknowledge our shared weaknesses and common humanity, everyone can breathe a sigh of relief because it’s safe to be ourselves. And in accepting our own fallibility and lack of control over external circumstances, we can more readily accept “what is.”

Despite perfectionist expectations from within and without, the real objective is to keep pushing our growing edge. To allow space for growth, we can use a daily practice (such as meditation, journaling, or prayer) as an opportunity to slow down and peacefully check in with ourselves. These practices expand our capacity for acceptance when we use them to let go of thoughts about what we should be in favor of appreciating what we already are.

I use meditation to focus on gratitude or repeat a positive mantra. As I practice it, I reactivate the positive, accepting parts of myself. Writing is another practice I use to let go of perfectionist ideas. In my writing I explore ways to live a full and balanced life— as tools, not as standards to which we should compare ourselves. Writing functions both as a practice that enhances my awareness and as a reminder of my ideals. Any wellness practice—even reading and writing about self-improvement— keeps self-validating concepts fresh in our minds and hearts.

I am a long way from Buddha-like equanimity or enlightenment, but I try to learn from Buddhist teachings. One of those is to relieve suffering by removing desire. Perfectionism is a desire for the impossible. Acceptance is the ultimate antidote to perfectionism. Through a mindfulness practice, we develop the ability to accept what we are rather than what we think we should be.

When self-criticism and perfectionism seep into my consciousness, I remind myself that I am a learner, not a master of these ways of life. I refocus on gratitude, positive intention, and the benefits of the process itself. I practice, and then I practice some more. Practice will never make perfect. But I can be content in the knowledge that, for me, practice IS perfect.

Breathe Easier with Emotional Awareness

Emotional expression is as important to life as breathing. So when we suffocate our emotions, they inevitably arise in some form. Unacknowledged emotions can build up and burst from us like a desperate gasp for breath— often in a way that is misdirected, over-reactive, or self-destructive.

See if any of these unintended emotional eruptions sound familiar to you: lashing out at a friend; excessive use of food, sex, or alcohol; and stress-related illnesses like depression or high blood pressure. These conditions and behaviors may feel involuntary or beyond our control, but with practice we can learn to manage them more effectively.

We Learn Emotional Awareness

The first step in this process is emotional awareness. If your family openly expressed emotion, then as an adult emotional awareness probably comes naturally to you; you easily identify and articulate your emotions. However, if your family sent mixed or negative messages about how to handle emotion, you may struggle to detect, label, and communicate your feelings.

I fall into the latter category; my tendency is to push emotions aside. As a child, it was to my advantage to appear calm and happy—to comply and “be good” even when I felt upset or unsure. It felt safer to suppress fear and sadness.

As a teenager and adult, I continued this pattern of obedience, self-control, and perfectionism. Rather than fully experience emotion and appear vulnerable, I denied the discomfort of sadness, insecurity, or hurt. Yet they always popped up somehow, taking me off-guard with unwanted outward (angry outbursts) or inward (depressed mood) expressions.

Acceptance and Emotional Management

Nobody likes to be surprised by these emotional eruptions, but we can interpret them as signals that our emotions need some breathing room. If you listen closely, the information you gain through emotional awareness allows you to respond in a balanced—rather than impulsive or reactive—way to your emotional needs.

For example: do you ever have one of those days when you feel overwhelmed and off-kilter? I had a day like that last week, and I tried to ignore my emotions and be “productive.” That didn’t work for long. I had to tune into the emotional cause of my distress in order to regain control. Fortunately, once I became aware of the fear that caused my anxiety—and let myself feel it—I was able to focus on my work again. Emotional awareness led to emotional relief.

Becoming Aware

Emotional awareness involves the ability to sense, identify, and accept your feelings. On a personal level, these skills breed contentment and increased self-esteem. In relationships, they lead to more authentic interactions. An understanding of your own motivations, preferences, and desires leads you to live with integrity and make choices based on your values rather than on impulse.

To assess your emotional awareness:

Examine your underlying beliefs about emotions.

Were you discouraged from showing feelings? Were you taught to hide or deny them?

Did you learn that emotions are dangerous and should be feared or controlled?

Do you think that certain emotions are “good” and others are “bad” or shameful?

Are your beliefs productive or counterproductive to your mental health?

Tune in to emotional signals.

Do you experience nausea or stomach upset? What about headaches, chronic pain, high blood pressure, panic attacks, or frequent colds?

Do these symptoms worsen during times when you feel anxious, sad, lonely, or fearful?

What about when you are around a certain person or group or in particular situations?

Do you use food, alcohol, or sex in a compulsive way?

Could unhealthy patterns in your life represent unmet emotional needs?

Do you make any solitary, quiet time in your schedule when you allow your emotions to come to the surface?

Here are some tips to help you develop your emotional awareness:

Accept feelings as a natural part of life. The way you feel is always okay; it’s just how you express yourself that might need some adjustment! Try to accept your feelings without judgment.

Have an “emotion session.” If you find that a powerful emotion interferes with your productivity or concentration, try setting aside half an hour per day to let that emotion flow freely. By dedicating a time slot for freeing that emotion, you regain some control over the rest of your time and diffuse its subconscious power. When the time slot rolls around, let it all out!

Identify the source emotion. Joy, hurt, anger, and fear underlie almost every other emotion. When you feel upset, try to determine what the underlying emotions may be. Sometimes we choose a more culturally accepted emotion to disguise vulnerability, such as when someone criticizes others (trying to appear powerful through anger) to disguise fear of rejection or hurt.

Build your emotional vocabulary. Consult a thesaurus, talk about your feelings with a trusted friend, or use the link below to refer to an "Emotions Chart." Try to label your emotions as precisely as possible. Just giving a feeling a name can bring some relief. If you can’t name the feeling, that’s okay, too. The important thing is to be aware.

Keep a daily journal. Even when you aren’t sure what you feel, writing can express your emotions in a way that thinking and talking about them cannot. If you let yourself be honest, you may discover things about yourself as you write that surprise you.

Exercise and eat right. Your physical health and emotional health are inseparable. Exercise is a great way to release tension when you are angry, and it can elevate your mood when you are sad or hurt. Also, repetitive exercises like swimming or walking are opportunities to reflect on or process emotions.

Practice mindfulness, meditation, and conscious breathing. As you learn to be in the moment, you grow more aware of your body and emotions. I frequently use the Emotional Ease guided meditation from Meditation Oasis (link below). It helps me to get in touch with vague or uncomfortable emotions and to let go of my resistance to certain feelings. And don't forget to breathe! That will keep you calm and ready to process any emotional signals.

With practice, emotional awareness enriches self-knowledge and integrity. As comfort with emotional identification and expression grows, so does our ability to regulate emotion and live more authentically.

---
Click to view an Emotion Chart

Visit Meditation Oasis to purchase the “Emotional Ease” meditation on CD (or listen for free by clicking the podcast link on the home page).

Or, you can download the free Emotional Ease podcast at

Faking It: Smile Therapy?

Don't throw those antidepressants out just yet-- smiling obviously won't cure clinical depression or solve the world's problems. But don't discount it entirely, either, because research shows that a smile can make things look a little sunnier.

At first, acting happy to feel happy might seem a strange reversal of the common belief that actions are driven by thoughts or feelings. But it’s true—clinical research studies show that just as happy emotions drive happy behaviors like smiling, happy behaviors foster happy feelings. The message highway between your brain and body runs in both directions.

Acting happy to elicit positive emotions is a lot like the counseling intervention of “acting as if.” “Acting as if” rests on the assumption that people act in accordance to their values and beliefs. The idea is that by choosing to act on less prominent (but more positive) beliefs about yourself and the world, you can learn to feel more comfortable with these positive behaviors and beliefs.

It’s a little like the “fake it ‘til you make it” cliché. Even though your smile may feel contrived and artificial at first, positive intention and practice gradually melt into a more genuine sense of awareness and appreciation.

Where the Body Leads, the Emotions Follow

One recent study demonstrated that facial expression and posture provoked related emotions. That tells us that if you smile, lift your chin, and stand upright, you’ll feel happy and confident. If you frown, shrug, or slump, you’ll feel sad or angry.

Not everyone is susceptible to this effect, but I can attest to its validity in my life. In high school, I tested a psychology teacher’s assertion that lifting one’s chin two inches would inspire confidence. While it took practice to overhaul my slouchy, angst-ridden teen posture, that slight adjustment profoundly impacted my posture and self-esteem. Even now, on days when I need a confidence boost I remember to keep my chin up. Literally.

Expression Overhaul

For years, I wore a serious, almost frowning expression by default. I didn’t like that people constantly asked me what was wrong, and I often heard comments about how “intimidating” I was. Even worse were the occasions when someone cheerfully urged me to “smile!” Those well-meaning remarks pushed my peeve button every time.

So, driven in part by a desire to avoid irritation, I attended more closely to my expression. I reminded myself to lift the edges of my mouth to a more neutral position, and I tried to smile as often as I could. Over time, people stopped seeing me as intimidating and didn’t ask me what was wrong as often. I was surprised to find that the transition happened internally as well—I even felt more tolerant and accepting of others. While I didn’t undergo a complete transformation, I was less angry and more hopeful. All from smiling a little more.

Smile Therapy

A character on the Ally McBeal television series engaged in what he called “smile therapy” when he felt especially distraught or uptight. When things went wrong, he pasted on a broad, toothy smile. The effect was comedic, but he was on to something.

Putting your smile muscles to work during times of stress changes your outlook for a couple of reasons. First, the brain interprets this muscle movement to mean that you’re happy or contented. Even holding a pencil horizontally between your teeth is enough to approximate a smile, as far as your brain is concerned.

Second, your mood and perceptions of neutral events grow more positive simply from “acting” happy. Happy behavior isn’t likely to erase the trauma of a crisis, but it will encourage you to view mundane events from a more generous perspective. An upbeat posture and expression primes your brain to give others the benefit of the doubt or to see the “lighter side.”

Besides these advantages, the sheer absurdity of smiling in moments of duress breaks the problem-centered mindset of anxiety and anger. When you take yourself less seriously, you can be a little gentler with everyone else, too.

You Get What You Give

Smiling signifies contentment to your brain, but it also reminds us to be aware of the signals we send to the world. If you project a scowl or frown as I once did, what kind of response do you expect to get?

In settings ranging from bedroom to boardroom, a smile is the best starting point for any interaction. Smiles project positive energy, confidence, and acceptance. A pleasant expression invites openness and collaboration. It’s a small gift that you can offer someone who might be caught up in a difficult day or a bad mood. And far from being a selfless act, it will improve your attitude as well.

Grin and Bear It

Life is full of disappointments and setbacks. Things go wrong every day. But it’s important to acknowledge that things also go right. When we smile, we train ourselves to interpret the world in a more positive way—or at least remind ourselves that life is easier if we accept things the way they are. I keep a smiling Buddha sculpture in my meditation corner as an example. When I find myself resisting the flow of life’s ups and downs, I follow his lead and let my face relax into an accepting smile.

In Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life, Thich Nhat Hanh says, “If in our daily life we can smile, if we can be peaceful and happy, not only we, but everyone will profit from it. Our smile affirms our awareness and determination to live in peace and joy. The source of a true smile is an awakened mind.”

Peaceful, positive actions lead to peaceful, positive feelings. For me, smiling and standing tall inspires me to see the world as a better, friendlier place even as I contribute to making it so. It enables me to laugh more readily at life and at myself. Try it and see what a posture makeover, expression overhaul, or smile therapy does for you.

---
Thich Nhat Hanh is one of my favorite role models for happiness. Read excerpts from or buy Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life on Amazon.com.

---
Source: Schnall, S., & Laird, J. D. (2003). Keep smiling: Enduring effects of facial expressions and postures on emotional experience. Cognition and Emotion, 17, 787-797.